4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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