I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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