Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
