I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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