How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
