Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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