Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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