If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
