Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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