omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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