It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
