I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
