I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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