Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
