I seem to have left my pride at pride
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We left the knife in your bed.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
