That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
