You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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