shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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