I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I look better un-naked...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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