just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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