I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
