i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
