i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
