yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
