i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize