By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
