Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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