im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
