I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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