She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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