If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
