i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
