I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
