he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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