yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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