Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
worst night to have a conscience
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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