I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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