So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize