dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
