We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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