i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize