You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
