it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
