so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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