Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize