Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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