My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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