So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
