a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize