you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
