i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
