i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
