im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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