I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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