also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
