Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
