Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
