how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
