btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
