Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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