so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
