Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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