if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
