is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
