i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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