Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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