I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
