i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
