I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
