You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
