I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize