I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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