It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
