so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just saw a hot homeless man
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
